Heartki

Heart Ki

How Spoken Words Can Control You

father and small child daughter waling in beach holding hands

There was once a father I once knew (not my own) that had relationship issues with his son. The teenager son was growing increasingly distant from the father, not listening and opening up to him as he used to.He also had an adult daughter. His relationship with her also had a similar, but much more advanced stage of the problem: she didn’t want to see his father at all, let alone listen to him. The relationship with his children distressed the father, who was trying to look for answers.

A typical reaction is to blame on the other person, asking “what is wrong with him?”. Yet, every single time we see an unwanted or challenging behavior from someone else in relationship with us, what we do have to wonder, is “what is my role in this situation?”. Discarding our accountability, and blaming others, is the least responsible thing to do. We always play a role.

At some point the father told me something. No more than a fleeting comment in the middle of conversation, but one that struck me nonetheless.

“I never made him do anything; I never forced him into anything. I only tell him what my opinions is, that is all, but then he is free to do as he wants.”

He was a person filled with beliefs and values about what is proper, what is right and wrong, and always ready to dispense them to others. I immediately visualized the effect this could have on his children.

Opinions can be Forms of Control and Violence

People are usually able to spot the most obvious forms of control, which are, physical intimidation, fear, violence. And these can be hidden from sight for a time; but once the word is out, once it’s known what is being done by whom, it’s plain for all to see. However, words are also extremely powerful. Words alone can be used for control, no less powerful than fear-based control, because it’s not as “violent” as intimidation and therefore remains subversive and difficult to acknowledge. It stays under the awareness radar, much more easily than outright intimidation and violence. It won’t leave a bruise in your skin, only in your mind.
I’ve never met anyone impervious to the words of others — save perhaps for the Dalai Lama, I suppose. We care. When one says ‘I don’t care what others think’, it’s unrealistic wishful thinking. Perhaps it’s true in certain peak situations, when you happen to feel really good about yourself, at the top of your game. Perhaps you have reached a point in your life when you finally don’t ‘give a damn’ about what others thing. But words always carry power. If self-esteem isn’t at an absolute top at the moment, anyone can be affected by words from others.
Words between loved ones in family relationships, in particular, carry a special weight and impact. A child will always have a father/mother figure to look up to, and will want to make that person proud — consciously or unconsciously. This will be true even going into adulthood and more advanced ages. So many people in their 60s and beyond emotionally still defer to the image and memory of their departed parents, in terms of authority – even if as human beings they may well have surpassed their own parents in wisdom and clarity. 
Words from a parent will inevitably have a deep and long-lasting impact when shaping a young, still-maturing child’s psyche and emotional body. Some things your parents said, and believed in, still linger in our beliefs today. When you have an emotional bond with someone, your guards are generally less active. It is far less easy to detach and put things into perspective.

My story’s father indeed never took his kids by the arms and push them into doing what he wanted them to. But his spoken words and opinions were a form of control; made that much dangerous since he wasn’t willing to measure his own speaking.

There was also a deliberate, yet unconscious, intention of control from the father. He felt the need to be validated, to be agreed with. ‘I’m just saying my opinion’ wasn’t an innocent form of guidance: it drained a lot of energy.

By consistently making his opinions known to his son this way, the father is conditioning him. The son — unless if he’s particularly confident and fearless (or reckless) — will inevitably feel trapped between his personal choices and the desire to please his father. This happens naturally as a teenager begins to find his own identity in life. However, an attitude of trying to format the child, instead of stepping back and providing guidance, makes the situation that much difficult.

Opinions and Expectations have Weight and Occupy Space

Words can cut off spiritual and emotional silence, and reduce the space to think, and seek, by yourself.

People seldom do this in a malicious way; but it’s their ego doing the talking. The “ego” is that part of the human being that craves, gets addicted, wants to take from others for itself, finds identity and strength in what others give to him. The problem with the ego is that it can get out of control. Ego is to your life as salt is to food: too little and you can’t enjoy i; too much and it spoils everything.

When faced with an oppressive father (oppression using opinions) son and daughter naturally felt suffocated – without necessarily being able to accurately explain why – and instinctively started backing off.

There is a very fine line between helping/advising, and formatting, i.e. invading the free will of others with our opinions. This is especially true between parents and their children. The line must be drawn by the talker, who has the responsibility of minding what he says. It has the responsibility of pondering about the balance of advising, VS providing freedom, silence, a noise-free emotional space to the other person to exist, explore itself, and grow.

This is not to say that every impulse and decision of the son will be “correct”. That is how humans learn: by taking the reigns of its own choices, live by them, possibly make mistakes, learn and adjust, and try again.

This is not to say that stepping back and just observe is easy for any parent. But that is not the point anyway. The ideal situation is gradually stepping back, allowing the growing child the express himself, while maintaining a degree of monitoring and safety.

This is not easy — no one is claiming that it is. Finding balance, in anything, is difficult. But there must be an effort, an active choice to find it. If there is none, opinions get out of control and oppression occurs. As with anything else.

Each person in this world has its own things to do, lessons to take, and wills and desires about these things. There is a path unique to each of us, and that path does not necessarily mirror the lesson, opinions, and wisdom, of our parents. For this reason, it is vital that each person is given enough space to listen to itself.

Comments
Note: You can comment as guest (without login), to do so click on the field "name" then check "I'd rather post as guest". The comment section may not load if you have an ad blocker active.
All Articles
    1. Faith vs Protection: Coronavirus Edition
    2. Happy Not-Christmas!
    3. On the Biological Race to Have Children, Part II: Romantic Contracts
    4. The (true) Dark Side
    5. A Journey of Meaning
    6. Time of Rest Must be Proportional to Time of Work
    7. What “Love Yourself First” Means
    8. Spirituality is Not About Restriction
    9. Intuitive Feng Shui Guidelines
    10. Gnosis – To Know the Actual Truth
    11. Why Small Talk Drains You
    12. The Difference Between Thought and Intuition
    13. Asking Monetary Compensation For Spiritual Work
    14. Spiritual is the Desire to be You
    15. Scarcity Calls For Growth
    16. The Structure of Love – A Tale For Mother’s Day
    17. The Difference Between Knowledge and Wisdom
    18. A Spiritual Thirst To Quench
    19. The Power of Swearing
    20. Life Is Your Garden, And You Are The Gardener
    21. Heart Over Matter
    22. The Universe Stops When You Stop
    23. Don’t Stay Silent When You Are Being Disrespected
    24. Spiritual Knowledge Can Become A Desert
    25. The Universe Favors the Bold
    26. Your Very Own Drama Channel
    27. Essence and the Supermarket Bags
    28. The Nature of True Love
    29. 4 Things That are Pointless in Life
    30. How Spoken Words Can Control You
    31. Law of Attraction: Manifesting Reality by Asking for More
    32. If You’re Anxious for an Answer, it May Already be Within Your Reach
    33. Spirituality: is Eating Meat Right or Wrong?
    34. Choose Unconditional Love
    35. How TV Can Be Bad For You
    36. Surround Yourself with Those Who Validate You
    37. Debt is Misaligned With Spiritual Integrity
    38. When It Comes To Food Follow Your Intuition
    39. The Meaning of Carpe Diem
    40. How To Have Your Spirit Guides Communicate With You
    41. A Discussion on Soul Mates, and How to Find Yours
    42. A Work of Passion
    1. Faith vs Protection: Coronavirus Edition
    2. Do We Reincarnate as Both Genders?
    3. Infants and Newborns
    4. The Spiritual Test of Atlantis
    5. FAQQ – Frequently Asked Questions on Quora About Spirituality, Metaphysics, Reincarnation, and Related Topics
    6. Do You Choose Your Next Life, or Is It Chosen for You?
    7. Regarding Earthbound Energies
    8. On the Biological Race to Have Children, Part II: Romantic Contracts
    9. On the Biological Race to Have Children, Part I: the Biology Overlay
    10. The Difference Between Mind, Spirit, and Soul
    11. Attachment is Not Love
    12. Karma: Punishment, Balance, or Something Else?
    13. Spiritual Time
    14. Spirituality is Not About Restriction
    15. The Three Conditions to Attract your Soul Mate
    16. The Difference Between Thought and Intuition
    17. The Souls of Animals and Plants
    18. What is Free Will? An Explanation
    19. How Can Reincarnation Be Real If The World’s Population Keeps Increasing?
    20. Why We Get Stuck on the Bad and Easily Forget the Good
    21. Healing Past-Lives
    22. Spiritual Knowledge Can Become A Desert
    23. Remembering Past-Lives
    24. The Nature of True Love
    25. The Creation of The Akashic Records
    26. The Coming of Christ Energy
    27. Religion, Science and Spirituality: the Fundamental Uncertainty of Man
    28. Esoteric Timeline of the History of Humanity
    29. What Happens After Death
    30. Do We Have Free Will or are Events Predestined?
    1. Akashic Records Reading [Quick]: The Tool of Nonchalance
    2. Akashic Records Reading [Quick]: Memories of Being The Master
    3. About the Spiritual Desire to Go Home (Excerpt from a Quick Reading)
    4. Akashic Records Reading [Quick]: To Believe in Love
    5. Akashic Records Reading [Written]: Breaking the Fifth Wall
    6. Akashic Records Reading [Quick]: Clean Slate
    7. Akashic Records Reading [Quick]: The Speaker
    8. Akashic Records Reading [Written]: Red and Blue
    9. Akashic Records Reading [Quick]: Grace
    10. Akashic Records Reading [Quick]: Angel in the Statue
    11. Akashic Records Reading [Quick]: I Flew on a Vimana!
    12. Akashic Records Reading [Quick]: A Case Study on Karmic Entanglement
    13. Akashic Records Reading [Written]: Beyond the Threshold
    14. Akashic Records Reading [Written]: Daughter of the Archangel
    15. Akashic Records Reading [Written]: Graduating to the Angelic Realms
    16. Akashic Records Reading [Written]: A New Take on Mastery
    17. Akashic Records Reading [Written]: The Retired Privateer
    18. Akashic Records Reading [Written]: A Tale of Two Astronauts
    19. Akashic Records Reading [Written]: The Fairy
    20. Akashic Records Reading [Written]: Amaratren and the Beasts of War
    21. Akashic Records Reading [Written]: Daniel
    22. Akashic Records Reading [Written]: Roul
    23. Akashic Records Reading [Written]: The Artist Messenger
    24. Akashic Records Reading [Written]: Tuhjk, “The Great One”
    25. Akashic Records Reading [Written]: Cassandra, Atlantis, and Maha Chohan
    26. Akashic Records Reading [Written]: Bartholomew
    27. Akashic Records Reading [Written]: Hermione
    1. About the Spiritual Desire to Go Home (Excerpt from a Quick Reading)
    2. Changing the World
    3. Spiritual Awakening Q&A
    4. A Choice to be Made
    5. The Endurance to Keep Seeking
    6. Spiritual Awakening Can Be Painful
    7. Karma: Punishment, Balance, or Something Else?
    8. Spiritual Time
    9. Healing Takes Time
    10. You Teach Yourself, You Heal Yourself, Always
    11. The Path of Essence and the Paths of Distraction
    12. The Energy of Spaces and People: How It Works
    13. What Synchronicity Is And How To Experience It
    14. Spiritual Awakening is not the same as Enlightenment
    15. What Is Spirituality?
    16. Regarding Spiritual Awakening
    17. Personal Awakening and Ascension
    18. How To Have Your Spirit Guides Communicate With You
    19. Synchronicity: My Letter and Number Sequence Meanings
    20. Are You Undergoing Spiritual Awakening?
    21. The Solution to Everything is Breathing
    22. 8 Things That Happen During Your Spiritual Awakening
    23. Spiritual Awakening Emotional and Physical Symptoms
    24. Spiritual Discernment
    1. The Energy of Whole(some)
    2. Transformative Effects of a Pandemic
    3. Faith vs Protection: Coronavirus Edition
    4. Coronavirus and the Two Earths
    5. Hold Tight
    6. Social Media and Disconnection
    7. On the Biological Race to Have Children, Part III: Cultural Worth
    8. On the Biological Race to Have Children, Part I: the Biology Overlay
    9. The (true) Dark Side
    10. ‘The Martian’ Review: How This Movie Is Different
    11. Time of Rest Must be Proportional to Time of Work
    12. Release Yourself From Social Constraints and Enjoy Your Life
    13. Allowing the Good Seed to Thrive
    14. Society’s Worship of Youth
    15. How Spoken Words Can Control You
    16. How to Rise Above Competition – But Retain Personal Power
    17. Masterchef U.S.A. vs Masterchef Australia
    18. How TV Can Be Bad For You
    19. The Coming of Christ Energy
    1. The Seven Densities of Consciousness
    2. Karma: Punishment, Balance, or Something Else?
    3. Densities and Graduation
    4. The Indigo and Crystal Children
    5. The Souls of Animals and Plants
    6. Tree of Life as Levels of Awareness
    7. The Progression of Awareness in Personal Growth
    8. Examples Of Levels Of Awareness: 3D to 7D
    9. Quiz: What’s Your Awareness Level?
    10. Densities Chart
    11. Densities Explained
    1. Downloads Page is Up
    2. Patreon Page is Up
Resources
miniature of the cards page miniature of the quiz page miniature of the chart page miniature of the downloads page miniature of the images page
Highlights
Book
I'm writing a book. You can receive a notification of when it becomes available. More info >>
Latest
Patreon