Heartki

Heart Ki

Release Yourself From Social Constraints and Enjoy Your Life

girl in closed-in backyard contemplating the sun

Don’t worry if you don’t have a valentine, a romantic pair (today is the day before Valentine’s day). If you aren’t in a relationship.

To desire a true connection from the heart with another person, and be truly embraced in a mutual and deep love and understanding of each other, this is a natural thing for anyone to desire.

But society does fills you, from a very early stage, with some very atrocious beliefs about relationships. These beliefs then overlay and stack up with that original desire for a truly meaningful companionship, and turn a spiritual attribute, into a carnival of needless emotions.

It begins when the mommy/grandmother asking the child “so, do you have a girlfriend/boyfriend?”, and then they giggle and are all excited. Sometimes this happens way before the child is anywhere mature enough to have become interested in others in a romantic sense.

These rarely are innocent playful comments. It’s the adult family members expelling their own emotional charge about their beliefs about relationships. They may do it in a casual playful tone, but it’s not devoid of emotional charge.

This sort of remark is the very beginning of the brainwash process where society has you believe that you don’t have worth, or you have less worth, if others aren’t able to like you.

A relationship is a sacred connection. It’s not to be blabbed out to a small child who couldn’t possibly understand it yet.

So what happens is that, boys feel worthless when they aren’t in a relationship, if girls don’t like them, if they don’t have a girlfriend. Boys to some degree treat girls as prizes, as possessions, that add to their personal value and image to others. Without a girl the boy is less.

With girls it can be slightly different. The classical equivalent for them is when the young woman buys into the belief that she has to marry. When do you marry? Your friend is already married. Your sister is already married.

These beliefs are abject, asinine. How is it that you are of less worth because you’re not in a relationship? Could you simply not be interested? Could you choose not to be with anyone? Would you be of less worth if you were to spend your whole life alone?

Or, could it be that it simply isn’t your time right now? What if you’re meant to learn how to be alone? What if you’re meant to focus on yourself first, before others can truly see who you are?

But if you were massacred with these sort of beliefs, from your family for example, chances are that a at least a part of yourself, a small corner in the back of your brain, is constantly trying to have you out there looking for someone to complete you. If others happen to not be interested in you, or if you haven’t found anyone worthy, very easily you’ll start to think it’s your fault.

Chances are, that you’re now lowering your standards simply to get loved by someone else. Chances are you’ll spend your whole time wasted dealing with bad relationships, rather than investing in a proper one. And you’ll probably become bitter, not believing in “true love” anymore, because nothing seems to work for you, and you only get hurt. And at that point, you can’t find a proper relationship, because you now disbelieve in it.

“Love hurts”, they say. Whoever said this doesn’t know anything about Love.

Love is never a person hurting another. That’s not love. If that happens, something’s wrong with your decision making. You allowed an inappropriate person in your life, that reflects to you lack of self worth.

Relationships — at least those with true meaning — are not about finding someone that loves you. True meaningful relationships occur naturally and spontaneously, between two individuals that simply align with each other. When they find each other, they just are the relationship.

Relationships are not made. Love is not made. The connection was already there. What you can do is to discover it, polish it, work on it. Smooth our some rough edges, perhaps. But the connection itself needs to be there to begin with. Spontaneously.

But for someone to align with yourself, you have to be yourself. You have to be solid being just by you, and knowing more or less what you want, and what you don’t want.

Yes, sometimes it can hurt. So we’re talking about human beings with rough edges, doubts, fears and insecurities. There are feelings involved, and sometimes in the journey you end up enduring through pain. But not in a systematic manner. Not because you were dumped by someone who though you weren’t worthy. Not because you are being questioned to your core.

In Christmas you have to buy everyone gifts, otherwise you’re an insensitive douchebag. In the New Year’s eve you have to get a group to party, where you have to yell and scream at midnight, celebrating who knows what exactly.

“whoooo — oooo” yay, it’s… another year.

In the Halloween you have to play along with the masks and candy, in the Carnival you have to dance and party, and go watch naked people dancing down the street. These (still) more or less depend on your specific culture and location.

In parties and celebrations you have to go with a pair, otherwise, if you “take too long”, your friends are already paired up, in couples, or engaged, and you’re left all alone, the odd one. If you’re going alone, you end up fighting the barrage of shame throughout.

And in Valentine’s day, well, you have to have some sort of other person liking you, to be with at that day, otherwise you’re not very fortunate, or worthy. Too bad for you.

These things may have some meaning to you personally, and if so should enjoy them as you wish. But they shouldn’t be a part of your life, at all, if they hold no true meaning to you.

Not too many years ago I felt miserable because I didn’t have many true friends. And I would usually be alone by the time of New Year’s eve. Everyone would be at someone’s house partying, or at some event, or at some special occasion, with their friends. So by the time the New Year’s eve came to my mind, everyone was already teamed up with a troupe of friends.

So what I did to not feel I was completely alone, was to seek out my acquaintances -even minor ones – to see if I could be invited to be somewhere where they were, by the time the gong signals midnight. And most of the time, I would.

But as you can imagine, being somewhere you don’t really want to, in the role of leftover, lends you little to no added value.

Liberation only came when I admitted to myself that I wouldn’t bear with the suffering anymore: if I happened to be alone by New Year’s eve, so be it — I would spend it alone.

Spending the New Year’s eve alone was the best thing. I lived in my own house, and I not having to go anywhere I didn’t want to, do things I didn’t like, and pretend to care about the passage of the year, was great. And also pretend to care about fireworks.

(Why are people so excited about fireworks, anyway? It’s not like it’s magic or something.)

By doing so, I realized that the passage of the year held no special meaning to me anyway. Perhaps that’s the reason why I didn’t mind it, I simply didn’t care about it to begin with. I felt better, not worse, giving up trying to be something I wasn’t.

In the meantime I met my partner, who happened to feel more or less like me about all of this. Today we spend these sort of cultural marks together at home, in the comfort of the house.

Don’t feel bad for not fitting in the pressures society tries to place on you. About festivities, celebrations, events, times of year. About what you’re supposed to be doing, buying, and who you’re supposed to be with. If you do, you’ll just be another part of the whirlwind.

If you’re alone, just enjoy it. Do what you want. Eat what you want. Listen to the music you like. Watch the T.V. shows you care about. Go to bed when you so desire. Make the most of it.

Let your life be your own playground. And if no one wants to play with you, just play alone.

Chances are, you won’t be alone forever anyway.

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Comments
  • Jessica

    Very nice article and a great picture of a geoengineered sky.

  • Rob

    Bless you for writing this Nuno. It rings very true for me. It is exactly what I needed to read at this moment.

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